“If you go down to the woods today, you’d better not go alone..” Except forget the teddy bear picnic- ‘town days’ are far scarier.
Plan to stop at the plaza because I’ve promised the three year old a bun and she needs to pee.
BABY WAKES UP SCREAMING.
Stuck at the intersection.
MUM I NEED TO DO A WEE!
Pull into carpark. Jump out of car to grab screaming baby, realise I’ve parked so badly that no one would be able to park on either side of me and a photo of my car will probably end up on the local ‘Rant and Rave’ Facebook page. Re-park car. Grab baby. Feed baby.
MUM I NEED TO DO A WEE! CAN I HAVE A BUN?!
Burp baby. Get 3yo out of car. Walk into plaza, baby in arm.
Damn, no spew rag. Nearly at the toilets, I’ll use hand towel. 3yo is walking funny.
MUM I HAD AN ACCIDENT!
Girls toilets are occupied. Go in the men’s.
BUT THIS IS THE BOYS TOILETS!!!
Squeeze in with baby in one arm, handbag on the other.
I HAD AN ACCIDENT, LOOK! NEVER MIND YOU CAN GET ME NEW KNICKERS FROM THE CAR.
Assess the ‘accident’, it’s only a few drops. Not enough hands or space to change knickers. Never mind, keep them on, we’ll deal with it back at the car. Let’s go. Use one hand to help 3yo wash hands. Wash hand not holding baby. Clean baby spew.
CAN I HAVE A BUN?!
Standing in line at bakery.
I WANT THE PINK ONE! I WANT THE PINK ONE! I WANT THE PINK ONE!
Use one hand to get money from purse and pay for pink bun. Don’t put pressure on baby’s backside – need to avoid poonami. Let phone ring out.
CAN I EAT IT NOW?!
BABY POOS AGAIN.
Back to car. Who to change first? Lift shopping from boot of the car onto the ground, shift pram over, lay out change mat. Change baby. 3yo, holding my leg in order to not get lost/squashed in carpark.
CAN I EAT MY BUN NOW?! PLEEEEEEASE?!
Put baby in capsule. Change 3yo’s knickers. Put 3yo in car seat. Put shopping back into the boot.
Get baby out of capsule. Pat her on the back.
Beauty, got the spew rag this time. Settle baby, strap baby into capsule.
And then, get. The. Hell. Out. Of. There.