The perky pre-pregnancy, pre-baby breast. Plump; bouncy; and longed for in hindsight. Soft to the touch, with button-like nipples; they earn their owner some serious sex appeal. Whilst not entirely useful at this stage – they are nice to look at and fun to play with.

The ever-growing pregnancy pups. These babies appear to grow overnight; and they continue to get larger as the pregnancy progresses. Big brown areolas surround constantly erect nipples. These girls are exciting, and look like a lot of fun; but if you want to touch them, you will need to woo the owner with chocolate, and a jar of pickled onions (and probably a foot rub).

 

Breastfeeding jugs. The blue collar, working class tits. This is when the hard work starts. Humongous, rock-hard, red-hot bazookas; often sporting cracked and bleeding nipples. Streaked with blue, pulsating veins and deep red stretch marks; they’re more often than not, completely lopsided; and leaking milk. These ladies are uncomfortable to wear and difficult to dress; but the job they’re doing is incredible, and they earn themselves some serious respect. These cans absolutely ‘can-not’ be touched – they are OUT OF BOUNDS to anyone other than the owner, or the baby feeding from them. (You have been warned.)

The leftovers. The saggy, old spaniel ears. Streaked with silver stretch marks; and long, stretched nipples. The nipples appear to contain lead weights, and always point south. When scooped into lingerie, they leave even a Wonder Bra, wondering where they are – these Sad Sacks leave even the push-up bra cup half empty. A shadow of their former self, they leave their owner grieving for their cleavage  (and reaching for the chicken fillets).